God, I feel so incredibly lost.
I feel distanced from my friends.
Abandoned by others.
Hurt.
Lonely.
Confused.
I can't remember the last day I havent cried.
Im exhausted but I cant sleep.
Sick to my stomach.
Sick at heart.
Just sick.
Always sick.
It seems like something similar happens every summer.
Im not myself here.
Im not happy.
Im only happy when Im away from home.
Im only happy when Im with people who love me.
And it just seems seems like so few do.
Even though I know thats probably not true.
Why dont I feel good enough for them?
I wish one fucking person would stick by me through the tough times.
One.
Thank god for my grandma.
I dont know if I could live without her.

I dont want to feel like this anymore.
Help?

...In my earlier post, I forgot to mention that Im a little peeved with Ms. Brandi Carlile for ruining "Hallelujah" - which was perfect as it was. Personally, I think Rufus Wainwright's version is the best. Don't get me wrong...I <3 Brandi....But that just wasnt cool by any means.

>:-(

Well. Im sick again. Something new this time. I think its my old chronic bronchitis acting up again along with some sort of cold. I feel like Im burning alive. Ice packs are good. :-P And on top of it, my tyrant of a father has me essentially on house arrest until I go through EVERYTHING in my bedroom and bathroom...Anyone who knows me very well knows that I tend to be a bit of a packrat - and a messy one at that...So Im just going to assume that this is going to take me forever because it probably is. I hate our water softener...My skin is soft but my carpet is white and crusty and probably needs to be replaced. Im about to throw the next baby I come across into the street. Think Im joking? Just keep your snotty demon children away from me. I have so many things I need to do in the next two weeks and no time to do any of them... I feel like I have so much shit on my plate that I dont know what to take off first and so it all just sits there growing stagnant and becoming more and more of a burden.

On the bright side, I got a new job... More to come on that later. Im gonna go wander around my room and babble feverishly. :-D

Well, I'm off camping this weekend. Being dragged along to some ass-backwards place in WI to chill with my dad's relatives for a few days. I wont lie...I'm pretty skeptical. My slightly younger cousin is a raging crunker and my mom likes to tuck into the bottle whenever we go out of town (which is typically why I dont accompany the family on their little trips)...So wish me luck? Last time I went to this particular family member's cabin I spent the entire weekend shooting things out of utter boredom and flailing around the lake when a hoarde of angry crayfish decided to crawl up my pants while I was fishing. At least it'll be a change of scenery...I am SOOOO tired of my house. I honestly cannot wait to get back to school...Theres plenty of trepidation there too...A lot of shit I need to get done before I go back and, as ever, I spent all summer practicing my EXTREME procrastinating skillz. I love my ability to sit and let the panic over some little thing slowly build until it overwhelms me...And still do nothing about whatever it is thats bothering me. I am awesome like that (note incredible sarcasm) Well, I think Cody is making it official that he is coming to visit us this winter (it seems hes been making a lot of things official as of late ;-D), so thats cool. Too bad its hard to go horsebackriding in the winter. :-P Ah well, it will have to be put aside for a later visit perhaps. Off on another tirade...My dad is being a real brute of a man and I KIIIIIINDA want to punch him in the face...Apparently I am required to go through every item in my posession before Im allowed to drive anywhere or do anything....Less than three weeks before I have to move back to school...Which means I need to unpack all my shit and go through it. Fucking. Genius. (aka what an ass)

And if you're irritated by my lack of proper structure and missing paragraphs, indentation, etc...Fuck you. Hard. Ive got 8 months + coming up real fast to deal with that shit. Im on my break and I really dont give a damn.

=D

<3<3<3

I almost just bit through my lower lip. It is huge and swollen and bleeding and throbbing and too big to talk. OMG. I kinda want to go into a coma right now.

:-(

I shouldve known this day was going to suck.

It all started with my on my laptop...Chatting cheerily away...When suddenly....!!!

What's that on my screen? *poke* It's wet...*looks up* Oh thats fun...MY FUCKING CEILING IS DRIPPING!!! RIGHT over my BED. It's about 1:15am...I have to get up by eight. Fucking. Sweet.

Proceed: "DAD!!! DAD!!! Wake up! Theres water leaking through my ceiling!"
Dad: "wsfejnslfkj........wha???...."

Yeah...So we go downstairs to check it out. After trying to sop it up to no avail, he stabs a fucking pen through my ceiling *down falls a whole lot of mushy, nasty wet paint/plaster ON MY BED!!!) and then sticks a paper towel in it...Which I had to replace twice during the night or be dripped upon. So now theres this AWESOME gross hole in my ceiling dripping water and soggy plaster on my bed. Awesome.

Remember how I was supposed to get up at 8? Yeah...Alarm doesnt work...AGAIN. Enter mom at 9 to tell me I'm going to be late. Thanks mom. So I stumble through my shower bleary-eyed, panicked and half asleep... Get my brother over to his first day at Sylvan LATE...Get to work LATE... Then proceed to have only 5 tables all afternoon, two of which consisted of cheap motherfucking teenagers who dont know how to tip worth SHIT (one was 10%, the other was BELOW 10% - assholes)...THEN the other guy Im working with pisses around and doesnt do jack shit for closing work and leaves with the manager to go get drunk before their evening shifts. AMAZING. Thanks guys...I'll just wipe all these menus, do all these dishes and roll all this silverware...No fucking problem. So I do said closing work, then decide, since theyre off pissing around on my time, I'll piss around on theirs...So I sit down, pull out my book, fill myself a soda and tuck into a $7.00 + tax piece of cheesecake (for free). Yeah. Thats right. I'll pay for my gas with your food. Lazy fucks.

I then drive all the way out to Rosedale for no apparent reason, attempt to get back and get stuck in horrendous rush hour traffic and now here I am...I think its time for a nap before shitty babysitting/working out.

I really need to get paid more. :-(

I need a vacation.

From life.

It's not that anything is unbearably awful, its just that it all seems so pointless and confusing at the moment. I wake up in the morning and I'm never really sure why. Everything about every day just seems to tediously stagnant I could scream, if only to bring something out of the background noise. The only real goal I have at the moment is to get my zoology degree - something which is going to be difficult and not instantly rewarding, which is hard for me. I like quick results, and nothing that I want right now is going to result in anything of the sort. I just want something to look forward to everyday, you know? Something that makes me wake up with a smile and go about my day with a few less snappy retorts and irritated sighs. It's really quite depressing.


On a lighter note, so I can take a quick break from stewing over everything... That ad for those Bonsai Sandals? WTF!?!? Theyre fucking furry flip-flops. Do you know how God-awful disgusting those are gonna be when they get damp and/or dirty!? UGH! Gross. Come on people...I think we can be a little more inventive than THAT.

Tards.

...Im definitely not the domestic type.

Any man I end up with better know how to cook.

And how to be organized...

...God knows I'm hopeless at both.

I hate cleaning...I want to go explore. :-[







Poop.

Cake or Death?





I'm not really in the mood for cake.

Holy crap...



...Im sick and tired of being sick and tired...



Strep + mono + bladder infection = shittiness....



But seriously...One thing starts getting better and another goes wrong. Accident, stomach problems, sickness, heart murmur...Where does it end? Hopefully soon, and in a positive way.

I really want this school year to be over... And I don't know how Im going to manage to pay for the next one. I've basically decided that Im only gonna stick it out at Hamline for another year...Which is too bad. I fucking ADORE the people here...But honestly? Thats about ALL I adore about the place. That and maybe the theater program.

I want it to be sunny and warm...I want green things and flowers to go. I was to see critters. I want streams and rivers to flow...Life has grown so stagnant and the season isnt helping. At least my love life isnt quite as stagnant as it has been.... Wait. Scratch that. My love life is still stagnant. My sex life, maybe. I'm not sure. We'll see. Truth is, I don't care much anymore. It's not like Im going to start sleeping around... Im too man-shy in general to do that 95% of the time, but I may as well flirt and have a little fun until someone comes along. Which is a long time coming...But what can you do?

I've gotten 10 vials of blood drawn this week...I look like a fucking heroin addict. Gross. Yay needle holes. *sigh*

Just gotta hang in there...It's gonna pick up soon!

Man...It's just been a Regina Spektor kind of day.